A collection of useful hints, tips and proposals (gained from painful experience) for those taking up co-counselling.
Whose Responsibility?
Answer: Yours! You may be offered help; you may need to ask for help and that's fine, but don't expect co-operation with your dependency or blaming patterns. You have to want to help yourself sufficiently to set up the basic conditions of obtaining a co-counsellor and setting time aside.
What type of person should I pick?
Most people find it difficult to co-counsel with people they already know well; intimate friends, professional colleagues, partners. There are probably various reasons for this, but certainly the chances are high for mutual restimulation of Distress and/or mutual avoidance of important areas. There are also likely to be more difficulties around trust and confidentiality.
After mastering the techniques it is very helpful to have co-counselling friends and intimates, and to be able to share short sessions when needed. The authors have been married 20 years and co-counselling for 10 of those. We do use each other as co-counsellors when necessary. We do not however, even now, use each other as our main co-counsellors. As with much of our lives, an already good relationship has been much enhanced with co-counselling skills.
It is not useful to try and counsel with someone you dislike, but equally, strong attraction to someone you do not know may not be helpful either. However there is no point in waiting for the perfect counsellor; pick another struggling human like yourself and get on with it. The on-the-job learning is much more important than the initial selection. Remember you are not stuck if your first choice does not work out for any reason.
We suggest making a contract for six weeks at a time with someone. Then review whether you have another six weeks or change to other partners. (Distresses around choosing and being chosen, or not, are very useful ones to put time into dissolving initially, as they hamper us so much.)
How often do I have to co-counsel?
Regular working once a week is recommended, with at least 40 mins each and preferably an hour each way. As you learn the skills you will be able to make use of shorter pieces of time. If you have a co-counsellor handy then two lots of 30 minutes each per week can be fruitful. Precisely what time you spend, and how, can be flexibly arranged with your partner.
If you find yourself very upset by some event, try and fix up a session as soon as possible. Be willing to settle for 15 mins each way immediately rather than wait several days for your hour. Using the telephone helps in an emergency. If you do have another co-counsellor on the spot, try five minutes each way at the end of the day or on getting in from work; it's amazing how useful this can be.
How many co-counsellors can I work with?
There are no restrictions on this. Most people find it helpful to have a regular co-counsellor. Working with the same person means you can tackle the initial problems of trust building and set up working habits with maximum efficiency. Experienced counsellors also find a lot of payoff for having a regular partner; this is much more effective for working on chronic Patterns.
There are also payoffs for using several co-counselors from time to time; people find they counsel on different things with different people. Take opportunities to counsel with more experienced counsellors when you can--at workshops for example. Ask more experienced people in your community for sessions occasionally. If you feel you cannot offer good counselling in return consider what else you could offer in exchange for their time.
Take opportunities to attend workshops whenever you can; you will find them useful and exciting; you are likely to learn a lot in a short time and do a lot of work for yourself.
How can I become a good counsellor?
The basic contract involves offering your time and free attention. There are certainly more skills you can learn. The best way is to become an expert client, as the more you are able to use the techniques yourself the more you will be able to make useful suggestions for others. Some people find it is hard to change their normal way of talking to others, particularly if they are 'helping persons' professionally or voluntarily. If in doubt keep quiet and concentrate on giving attention. In co-counselling everyone is learning to be counsellors for themselves, both in sessions and in their lives.
I might be learning to be more selfish/aggressive/arrogant in my life
Some people find the idea of spending time on themselves rather than working to directly help others upsetting. However the experience of all strands of counselling is that the most sucessful helpers are those who value themselves and spend time working on their own distresses; the more you learn how to become a helper for yourself the more effective you can become for others.
In general remember that thoughts about selfishness are more likely to be Patterns than a rational appraisal. What you do and say in counselling sessions is not directly impacting on the people concerned. The reason for doing it is to have more control over your feelings in the rest of your life, and more choice about how you spend your time and what you do. After Discharging your Distresses you are likely to spend less time either kicking yourself or hurting others. You will become more able to solve problems and change the world; either by directly helping others or through political action, as you'll have more time and energy. Expect to gain much more time than you use in sessions. This goes along with giving others more care and attention not less.
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