Earlier in this manual the co-counselling term 'Pattern' was introduced. This word is used to describe rigid and maladaptive ways of behaving and feeling, which people find difficult to change--or sometimes even to notice. Co-counselling, in common with many other systems of personal change, considers that such ways of being inevitably involve negative emotions. Dealing in some new way with the negative emotions effectively breaks the grip of the Pattern, and helps people learn new ways of living in the world. Note that the phrase 'negative emotions' merely means 'emotions that feel NASTY,' it does not imply such feelings are bad, unnecessary or entirely avoidable!
Since co-counselling places so much emphasis on Discharge as a powerful way of dealing with negative emotions, this part of the manual will also emphasize Discharge. First, however, a question will be asked: how is it that negative emotions help to maintain and support Patterns?
After all, considering how very effective people are at problem solving and at learning new skills, then the very existence of Patterns does seem a little odd. To clarify this, a concrete example will be discussed. For a long time Richard behaved in a very rigid and predictable way whenever he went to see his boss.
|
"I agree, Sir, I agree." Richard's pattern: to agree with authority when in his boss's presence, then to leave and not do what he had 'agreed' to do. Only later he would think, "Oh, no! Not again!" |
| Why repeat this? How does distress maintain the pattern? In his boss's office Richard was scared. As soon as he acquiesced he felt less anxious. | |
In other words, there was a pay-off for such quite irrational surrender: namely, feeling less frightened. It's true that the pay-off was short term, and that in the long run there was a catch.
After all Richard did not want to do what he had 'agreed' to. In fact he usually did not do it, and you can guess how much resentment that caused: "Can't trust anyone these days." But in his boss's office he did get rewarded for acquiescence by feeling less anxious. So he gave in again ... and again ... and again.
This is one way, and doubtless there are others, in which negative emotions can maintain patterned actions. So if you can deal in a new way with negative emotions, then you have the chance to deal with life in a new way.
Go to previous page. Go to next page. Return to How to Change Yourself & Your World.