What is co-counselling? It is a way of helping yourself, and others, change. When you learn co-counselling you acquire new skills and techniques, as well as appreciating better some you have been using all your life. As described in this manual, you do co-counselling in a pair, sharing the time equally with a partner. You act as 'counsellor' to help your partner, then they act as counsellor and you are the 'client'. Thus there is no outside expert, you are world expert on you.
Once you have learned to co-counsel you will probably find yourself applying certain of the ideas and techniques, and the style of caring relationship, throughout your life. With friends, family, colleagues and, if you are a 'helper' by vocation or avocation, with your clients, or pupils, or patients. We would also recommend co-counselling as providing an excellent personal support system for counsellors, psychotherapists, and professional groups who have to deal with people.
Who can [and cannot] co-counsel? Most people can! People with problems, people who want to be more effective; young people and elders; those who just could not wait to leave school, and professors of Sanskrit. However, if you fall into one of the following categories then co-counselling is probably not for you:
- if there is nothing you want to change about yourself or your life.
- if you are a compulsive helper of others and can't or won't take time to work on yourself.
- if you are deeply distressed in a way which means you cannot pay attention to someone else for any length of time.
- if you are taking psychoactive drugs to help you cope with life and cannot leave them off.
Since co-counselling is used in a reciprocal relationship, a crucial ability is to be able to pay attention to someone else--to take your turn as counsellor. If you have your attention trapped by depression, or anxiety, or aggression, and cannot climb out, then it will be difficult to give the necessary attention. Such distresses can still be worked on using co-counselling techniques, providing a skilled one-way counsellor is available.
We have practiced co-counselling, each on our own behalf, for ten years now. The manual is the fruit of our own experience, and of others we have worked with and taught. It started in a rudimentary form as a few pages given to people on the first courses. Over the years the manual has reflected both the development of our thinking and our wish to communicate with a wide spectrum of people. It has been through many changes, most of them hurriedly done for a deadline of the next course. This version is more polished, and contains fewer errors and we hope it will be even more useful and enjoyed than previous versions.
The bulk of this manual is of a 'what's it all about?' and a 'getting started' character. There are also fragments and suggestions and ideas about what can follow--but in truth what follows is the rest of your life. None of the techniques and principles described here were invented by us. However we are responsible for the ways of organizing the techniques, and the linking of the principles with some of the scientific views of emotions.
We have sought to integrate our viewpoints and scientific backgrounds with our experience and with the principles arrived at by other co-counsellors. This has occurred by a process of discussion, argument, and repeated reformulations as our understanding increased. In the end product of this process, it is not possible to tell which of us has contributed what; it has been a delightful mutual building on ideas. Nevertheless we are very different individuals, and some of this may come through as stylistic differences in different parts of the manual, not ironed out in editing.
In revising the manual thoroughly for publication we have aimed for clarity and consistency. We have tried to retain much of the personal flavour of earlier versions. We frequently refer to the readers as 'you' and ourselves as first person plural. We have tried to eliminate the use of 'we' in reference to generalized humanity, which was a feature of earlier versions. In the interests of confidentiality we have continued to use mainly examples from our personal experience.
This manual is primarily intended as an aid to people in co-counselling classes, or being taught in some other way. You can learn co-counselling without a teacher, but most people find a supportive group not only helpful but necessary when first learning the skills. Many of the techniques do require a learning period, during which feedback on progress is valuable. As experienced co-counsellors we continue to find useful support and challenge in a co-counselling group.
It is possible to find co-counselling teachers and classes throughout the country, and indeed in many countries throughout the world. In case of difficulty write to us, c/o Co-Counselling Phoenix, enclosing a stamped addressed envelope, and we will provide contacts.
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