Our words for emotional experience often mix up the components of context, action, bodily changes, judgements and so on. This fuzzy nature of emotion-words does blur some important issues. This is illustrated by looking at the sequence of events involved in many feeling states, namely:
In everyday language this whole sequence is often bundled up together. People say "I'm scared," or "Ugh--horrid." In keeping with this they commonly refer to a situation, or context, as "scary" or "horrid." However though a situation can be destructive, it is the people who have the feelings.
Moreover people often talk of 'nasty' feelings, such as fear or grief, as "bad." The ability to make rapid, precise judgements, to accurately label situations as 'nasty' or 'nice', is of course very useful. People do not want to pick up an angry wasp twice; they do need to go on caring for other people. It is only when judgements are incorrect; or when useful emotions cannot be experienced, or when people cannot stop experiencing inappropriate emotions, that there are catches. It is true of course that a person may fail to master a threatening situation, and then fail to discharge the left-over feelings. In such a case they may well remain distressed long after the situation, the context, has changed completely.
Another common confusion, probably passed on by well-meaning adults, is to equate Discharge with Distress. Most children are told "Shush, shush, it doesn't help to cry over spilt milk," or "Stop screaming dear, it's all right now Daddy's here." Underlying such caring, and incorrect, admonitions is the idea that when a child stops crying or screaming or shaking, then he's stopped hurting.
It is ironic that adults discovering therapy or personal growth, after years of emotional repression and suppression, sometimes go to the other extreme. They say, "Nowadays I always trust my feelings," or "It just feels right, so it's O.K." Alas--Patterns are no respecters of feelings!
So some people believe emotions are an irrelevance to 'real life,' whilst others believe emotions are 'real truth.' One or another of these viewpoints is so commonplace that a further statement of how co-counselling theory sees the possibilities is well worth while.
Imagine a time you suffered a loss, and cried and cried. Your tears were a direct expression of grief, a cry for help, and if the needed help came the tears would eventually cease. Suppose no help came however, and you could not get your attention free of the Distress. You couldn't Discharge. Like that you can grieve for years. On the other hand grief can be simulated, play acted, perhaps to manipulate someone, or to evade some responsibility. Sufficiently distanced from your Distresses, however real they are, you again have no Balance of Attention, and won't Discharge. However when you do achieve, whether in a counselling session or with some caring friend, a Balance of Attention, then tears will indeed be the visible sign of Discharge. Doubtless, tears may occasionally be mixtures of such possibilities. These ideas can be summarized on the feelings-map as below:
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