Co-Counselling is about learning how to help yourself and others change.
What might you want to change in yourself or your life? This is a question no-one but you can answer. We can only offer some suggestions for you to consider and see if they are relevant.
We suggest you make a list for yourself as a starting point; then, before you dismiss the whole idea as impractical, read on.
What stops people changing in ways they want to change? There are no all purpose answers--you have to investigate for yourself in your own life. In our experience, however, there are some things which appear common to situations where a person finds themself stuck. Here are some examples of that type of situation from Rose's life:
1. "I used to find it very difficult to ask people for things. I found myself embarrassed, feeling uncertain I had any right to ask and frightened of being rejected. I would try to avoid such situations. If avoidance wasn't possible, I would find myself tongue-tied and unable to find the words I wanted."
2. "I wanted to dance, but couldn't enjoy dancing, because I was very anxious about making a fool of myself, getting upset when I made mistakes and continually thinking that my partner must be fed up with my being clumsy."
3. "I couldn't say 'No', even to something I didn't want and thought I was justified in refusing--like more work than I could handle. I felt guilty and I thought other people would think me selfish."
What are the elements that these situations had in common? They all involve negative emotions; embarrassment, anxiety, guilt. Negative emotions seem to be associated with situations where people find it difficult to change. People frequently give their feelings as reasons for not doing things. Since she took up Hang Gliding, Rose has often been told, "I couldn't possibly do that; I'd be too frightened." Co-Counsellors use the label DISTRESS to describe these negative emotions.
Rose's autobiographical fragments also indicate another element found by many people in those situations where they are stuck, namely, words which go round in their heads. These words are usually negatively evaluative of the person and appear to have the status of unquestioned truths. Because the words appear to be saying how the world is, the possibility of change is not considered.
"I don't have any right to ask." "I'm clumsy and no good at dancing." "I'm selfish when I don't do what other people want." These words appear to be very powerful, even if they don't make sense when considered in a wider context. Rose, for example, is well co-ordinated muscularly and learns sports skills easily, so why should she be clumsy when dancing?
There is a third element in these situations where Rose is stuck. In addition to negative thoughts and feelings there are usually particular physical experiences; being "tongue-tied," muscular tensions, aches, body postures, action sequences. In our experience these occur repetitively along with the thoughts and feelings. Co-Counsellors use the word PATTERN to label those feelings/thoughts/behaviors which are repetitive, stereotyped and unresponsive to what is new and changing in situations.
Patterns seem to be like computer programmes in that once triggered they run off in exactly the same way, regardless of changing circumstances. A computer programme is written so as to be triggered under appropriate circumstances; ultimately it is under the control of a person. Patterns on the other hand often appear to be triggered by small and irrelevant parts of situations and are not under the control of the person.
You can try and identify some of your own Patterns by taking your list of things you'd like to change and seeing which of them represent situations where you are stuck. Check out what you experience in the situations in your life that are relevant to the things you want to change. What is stopping your changing? Can you identify negative feelings? negative repetitive thoughts? bodily experiences?
You will probably find that for some experiences you can identify all three types of element in the Pattern, but for some you may be only aware of some of the elements, and for others you may be vague as to what any of the Patterned pieces are.
It is typical for the thoughts piece to be missing from many Patterns: some time after starting co-counselling Rose realised that she could put words to a particular body posture and uncomfortable feelings (vague) that went along with it. The words were "I'm waiting to be judged by you and I expect to be found inadequate." This realisation was an important step for Rose in being able to tackle that Pattern and become free of it. Of course for some Patterns the thoughts predominate ("I'm no good at drawing.") and there may be little awareness of the feelings or tensions.
To summarise, Co-counselling identifies Distress and Patterned behaviour as the major elements which interfere with people changing, growing, developing. The co-counselling "package" provides ways of minimizing Distress and breaking up Patterned behaviour, so that people have their full range of skills available to them.
The skills learned in co-counselling enable individuals to do the following:
These skills are most readily learned by individuals utilising them for themselves to make changes in their own lives. The learning context is normally a reciprocal relationship. Once learned, any or all of them can be used to help others in a wide variety of helping relationships.
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