This account charts a client's relationship with her mother over a number of years. During this period the client was regularly engaged in reciprocal counselling with a variety of partners. The relationship was a repeatedly addressed issue, though many others issues were also tackled, and in general the client experienced the changes described in the previous Section.
At the time of starting to co-counsel the client, J., was in her early thirties, married, with a child aged four; and worked full time as a teacher in Higher Education. Her marriage relationship was stable and her husband also took up co-counselling. At work J. was enthusiastic and sought to improve her skills. However, she was self-conscious and unsure of her abilities to make relationships, particularly with women. She had no close female friends. She was prone to over-conscientiousness and to be in a state of nervous exhaustion at the end of terms. Over the years she had been teaching, several depressive episodes required time off work and medication.
J. thought of her relationship with her mother as always having been difficult. She felt she could never gain her mother's approval. J. experienced herself as disapproved of for not lavishing time and money on her house; for being an inadequate housekeeper; for not producing grandchildren, and then when she did for returning to work when the child was still young. She had been frequently told by her mother that she was forgetful, thoughtless, careless and unloving.
J.'s parents lived some distance away and visits were restricted to a few times a year. It was rare for a visit not to involve her mother becoming upset and shouting abuse at J. Her mother would not only complain about J.'s current misdemeanours, but also bring up J.'s past failures and generally maintain J. was inadequate. J. was totally unable to defend herself, choked over words, and was liable to cry. In whatever way a row started, both J. and her father would become targets for her mother's blaming. After shouting, her mother usually sulked, sometimes for a day or more, until sufficiently placated by her father. During this time J. found herself helpless and depressed, and unable to get on with her own life until her mother had returned to some semblance of normality.
Other problems which emerged and appeared to be connected with the maternal relationship were:
Starting counselling
Just before starting co-counselling, J. had suffered several weeks of depression after a typical episode with mother. At the training weekend, mothers came up as a topic in the group and J. did a piece of work with the teacher. In this she experienced herself as having already freed herself considerable from her mother's influence, compared with her teenage years, but also as having a long way to go. When faced with the teacher role-playing mother, J. experienced herself as giving up and being unable to hang onto her sense of self-worth.
After the training weekend J. began working in a co-counselling pair. She had great difficulty in discharging at first, so progress was initially slow. After further classes she began to gain facility in the basic processes. She worked on her mother mainly following family visits. What came up was anger at mother's current behaviour, and then anger at what she thought her mother had done to J. as a child. Discharging this anger was hard, but was slowly achieved.
After such discharge J. felt strengthened and knew more clearly that she was not responsible for her mother's distresses. J. also became more able to be with mother without anger spilling out inappropriately. Thus J.'s early co-counselling involved emotional first aid, along with skills learning and some problem solving.
Moving on from anger
The next stage occurred when J., after anger, experienced grief. She felt she had never been loved by her mother. Love had been conditional upon her mother's approval of her, and she had never been able to win that approval.
In sessions directions such as "I want your love, mummy!" and "I'm fine as I am mummy!" triggered prolonged crying. Resolution came with the re-evaluation "Of course my mother loved me--whatever I felt, she did the best she could." J. could still experience the lack of love and general need for approval from others as important but viewed this as distress arising from the past, and not currently relevant. J. was clearly beginning to work with her chronic Patterns.
At this point a key event occurred. Mother wished to be given a room in J's house to store surplus property. J. agreed to provide storage, but not the use of a whole room. One evening J.'s parents arrived with a van load of belongings, having spent the previous night packing and having then travelled all day. Mother insisted on unpacking immediately, and was not pleased when J. stated that the goods would be stored temporarily and sorted out later. Mother became more upset as unpacking proceeded and eventually said since she was not wanted she would go home and take her things with her. J. disagreed with this and said it would be better to get some sleep and then decide what to do. When mother took no notice and started re-packing the van J. actively prevented her. A long row resulted.
During this row J. broke various Patterns she had previously been caught in. Firstly, she was able to talk and respond without choking. Secondly, she refused to discuss the past failures listed by her mother, and repeatedly focused attention back to the present situation. J. insisted she was willing to do what mother wanted, namely store her property, but in the manner of her own choice.
At one point mother became hysterical and threatened to attack J., who promptly slapped her face --something she would not even have dreamt of previously. Mother was stopped in her tracks, became more verbally abusive, and eventually rushed away into the house. By this time J. had become upset and started crying with helplessness.
Nevertheless J. could still think "What the hell do I do now? We both need tranquillising!" She was aware of the Pattern breaking she had done during the row, but knew it had not yet been enough. A final pattern breaking event was that J. left the house with her husband, went to a friend's, and stayed there overnight.
It was some time before tears stopped streaming down her face; and her friends reacted with advice not to see parents at all if this resulted. J. had a clear thought that this was not the answer, "I know what happens, my mother makes me feel and behave like a helpless little girl. The reality is I'm a mature woman with many skills, and my mother is old and ill and insecure--and if she was not my mother, I have counselling skills I could use with her." This thought produced a sense of release and calmness, and was followed by "I can go back home tomorrow and behave differently--use my counselling skills". This was indeed what happened, and, at least temporarily, the mother's behaviour was altered for the better.
A chronic Pattern has cracked
This episode was regarded by J. as spectacular Pattern breaking; J. now knew she need not be caught again behaving and feeling as a small child. In reporting the scene she was aware for the first time of the operations of her inner counsellor. She had indeed acquired a capacity to remain detached and patient with mother, and occasionally to confront her.
In counselling sessions when the issue of mother came up J. used Directions such as: "You no longer have power over me! I'm no longer part of your world, I'm no longer the little girl who had to earn her mother's love and couldn't manage it!". These progressed to "I'm still the same even if you disapprove of me". This theme was directed at others, as well as at the mother. A further step was represented by "I have a place in this universe no-one can take away."
The main Discharge was still crying, with grief at not experiencing acceptance changing into grief at having lost so much of self as a child. J. still experienced difficulties in retaining a strong sense of self-worth in the face of disapproval, and continued to work with Directions against these distresses.
Progress was indicated by an incident in which J. talked to mother over the telephone. After coping well for some time with the usual attacks, J. became distressed. Exceedingly upset she put the telephone down and looked for her husband for a counselling session.
However, alongside the upset was the knowledge of what it was all about--she'd been caught again in the little girl distress and her inner counsellor gave her instruc- tions to discharge in order to return to her normal self as soon as possible. This took about ten minutes of intensive discharge and celebration of herself. A few years earlier recovery from such upset could have taken ten days.
Claiming to be a delightful daughter
A further stage after that of separating from her mother was claiming to have been a good daughter. This emerged after J. spontaneously introduced her own daughter to a group of people by saying "This is my delightful daughter!" In her next co- counselling session J. realised this phrase was a Direction she could use. The outcome was copious crying discharge.
Over time this Direction became believable and celebratory. In everyday life this transition corresponded to being able to act powerfully, to take responsibility for looking after both parents during her father's terminal illness, confronting her mother's disapproval whenever necessary. J.'s empowerment enabled her to cope with many hysterical outbursts from her mother, who would say she never wanted to see J. again and would not let her in to see her father.
Current relationship with mother
The current relationship with mother is more amicable than it has ever been. Mother's behaviour has changed very little, but J. is rarely caught by her mother's distress, and now has the option of taking the counsellor role. J. notices when she is becoming angry, can avoid directing anger at her mother, and can readily discharge this anger even when she is alone.
Corresponding changes have occurred with regard to authority figures in general. Recently J. confronted an awkward and manipulative administrator, who was putting her down, and denying her version of what took place. J. was able to plan a crucial meeting, remain calm in the face of his bullying, demonstrate objectively that he was in error, and secure his agreement to putting things right.
Summary of progress
In general J. has become less self-conscious, and less in need of others' approval. She is able to make satisfying relationships and has warmth and caring for a wide range of people.
Her confidence in her job skills has vastly increased, and she is less drained by demanding work, and more able to confront others when necessary.
She is still working on some aspects of her chronic Patterns. In particular, on being non- judgmental of others whilst being willing to interrupt their destructive Patterns. This corresponds to being able to act more effectively in promoting social change.
The processes and ideas outlined in this Chapter are widely described as co-counselling; Re-evaluation Counselling and Co-Counselling International being the names of international networks of co-counsellors. Within the USA the terms "Re-evaluation Counseling" and "Co-Counseling" have been registered as service marks by Personal Counselors Inc., marking the fact that RC considers its fusion of process, ideas, and organisation as unique. Such service marks have no standing outside the USA. Inside the USA term Co-Counselling has been used without being challenged for many years, by assorted groups, and can be regarded as in the public domain.
Note that the spelling of some key words varies between english and american cultures. In particular the american spelling of 'counselling' has only one 'l'. The appropriate American spelling has been used in quotations and names.